Mom (on the left) in her scrubs outside the operating room after assisting with a surgery.
(Beware, this post might make you teary eyed.)
Tonight I had a moment. I was holding Braden as he was falling asleep and this overwhelming feeling came over me. A feeling that made my eyes well up with tears. This feeling was simular to one that I had with my mom the spring before she passed away (13 years ago), after what would be her very last surgery. To give you a little background, my Mom went into this surgery knowing that cancer was spreading to her colon (it started as ovarian cancer). Before going into surgery, the doctor explained two potential outcomes. The worst scenario would be if she woke up and had a colostomy bag attached (meaning they couldn't remove the tumors and it was spreading too badly) and the better scenario would be sans colostomy bag and being able to remove some of the tumors.
Well, I went up to see her in the recovery room and she indeed had the bag attached. I tried to be as strong as I could for her when she woke up. She didn't know which outcome yet and I was holding her hand and rubbing it. She woke up all of a sudden and said, "I knew that touch was yours" and then noticed that she had the worse of the two scenarios and then stated her favorite vulgar word. :)
Anyway, the moment that I had tonight with Braden brought me right back to that time in the hospital recovery room. My Mom knew my touch even after a major surgery and she awoke knowing that I was comforting her. Tonight Braden fell asleep holding my hand and that same overwhelming feeling came over me. I know he is only three months old but I believe he can recognize my touch. It is such an amazing thing for me to be able to carry this love on - the same comforting touch that my Mom recognized in the worst of times is now recognizable to my newborn son.
Anyway, sorry if I made anyone sad by writing this but it's one of those experiences/moments that I wanted to capture so I didn't forget it. I have been thinking about her a lot since Braden's birth and even more so during this holiday season. I know that she is with us each and every day but I do really miss her.
I chose this picture of her because it's the same one that I had with me in the delivery room. I used this picture as a focal point in the last 10-20 minutes before Braden was born. I told the nurse that I was picturing my Mom in the room in her scrubs telling me to work hard. It sure worked! :)